Darth Revan's Flying Circus: New Years Eve Special
by Swordyiel
Summary: Guest stars galore and much much more. The New Years with KOTOR characters.


Darth Revan's Flying Circus  
"New Years Eve Special"  
  
(The scene opens at a rather large backyard barbeque celebration. All the main cast of KOTOR are there, doing various things. Looking closer, the regulars to the KOTOR Unofficial FanMedia Board are there as well. Shot closes in on an announcers table.)  
  
Johnny: Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez.  
  
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond!  
  
Johnny: Normally, we'd be at the MTV Celebrity Deathmatch Arena, but tonight, we're here hosting the Star Wars: KOTOR New Years Eve Special.  
  
Nick: That's right Johnny. We were hired by some guy named Sword'yiel. And due to lack of decant funding, we decided to come here tonight to host the special barbeque.  
  
Johnny: But enough about us, let's get down to the party. And interviewing the guests is another special host, Mark Hamil. Take it away, Mark!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(The camera moves it's view onto Mark Hamil.)  
  
Mark: I can't believe I'm doing this. Damn you Lucas! You'll pa..er...hello everyone. I'm sure you all want to see the party, so let's get to it.  
  
(He walks over to the hot tub in the left corner.)  
  
Mark: And here we have one of the main guests, Carth Onasi, along with the webmistress of the KOTOR Unofficial Site, Adria, along with most of the female population of the message board, including Nima, Mandark and Chiara.  
  
Carth: Thank GOD! Mark, please, help! Get me out of here, man. I'll pay!  
  
(Carth tries getting out, but just gets pulled back in by the women.)  
  
Carth: AAAAHHHH!! SAVE ME!!!  
  
Mark: Sorry Carth, after all, we don't want a bunch of angry fans, do we? Now, ladies, I've heard some of you make some outrageous claims to how much you love Carth, care to explain?  
  
Chiara: Well, for the past two weeks, I've been camped outside Carth's house. Whenever he's come outside, I grabbed him by the knees, and followed him across the galaxy that way. I've also written several poems, using only words that rhyme with Carth and Onasi.  
  
Mark: That's just insane! How about you, Adira?  
  
Adria: Well, I've been stalking Carth ever since KOTOR came out. Despite the restraining order, I've watched him every night as he sleeps, and I write fan mail to him every day. I'm even trying to get my husband to change his name to Carth Onasi, and wear an orange jacket.  
  
Mark: ......Creepy.... And you, Nima?  
  
Nima: As you can see, I've already changed my last name to Onasi, and since he won't consent to Mother Nature's way, I'm trying to get a sperm sample from Carth so I can have his children. I'll name the baby Dustil if it's a boy.  
  
Mark: Well, since you three are scaring the literal bejesus out of me, I think I'll move on. Thanks for your time ladies. And Carth, good luck!  
  
(The women giggle as Mark walks to another part of the party.)  
  
Mark: Hey, who's that hiding out in the shadows? Camera #1, get a closer shot.  
  
(View closes up on the figure. It turns out to be Hinehaere. Hamil walks up behind her.)  
  
Mark: Miss, what's wrong?  
  
Hine: Well, I've been writing love poems to Carth all night, but I haven't been able to get even within a few feet of him due to the other women.  
  
Mark: Maybe I can help.  
  
(He pulls out his lightsabre, and hands it to her.)  
  
Mark: Try this.  
  
Hine: THANKS! (She runs off in Carth's direction.)  
  
Mark: Oh look, if it isn't the star of KOTOR, Darth Revan!  
  
Revan: Why, hello Mark. Is that a lightsabre in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?  
  
Mark: A little bit of both, actually. But anyway, how are you enjoying the party?  
  
Revan: Well, it's quite fun. And now that you're here...  
  
Johnny & Nick: MARK!!! GET ON WITH IT!  
  
Mark: Sorry guys....Jeez...bunchabastards.. Well Revan, I'll meet you later after the interviews...in the laundry room. Where we can have some privacy.  
  
Revan: Until then, you hunk of Jedi boy you.  
  
(Suddenly, Sword'yiel pops out of the bushes.)  
  
Sword: I've been looking for you everywhere!  
  
Revan: ACK! I thought I lost you already! Well fine, bring it on, loser!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sword'yiel V.S. Revan!!  
  
(Revan and Sword'yiel are facing off, between them is Judge Mills Lane.)  
  
Mills: Alright you two, I want a clean fight. No cursing, no lowblows, and no racial slurs. LET'S GET IT ON!  
  
Voice: HOLD IT!!!  
  
ALL: Wha/Huh?!  
  
(And out pops JediQB)  
  
Jedi: Hey buddy, if you want Revan, you'll have to go through me first.  
  
Mark: SECURITY!  
  
(Security arrives, but JediQB pauses, pulling a lightsabre from his pants.)  
  
Jedi: I told you, I told you I was hung like a lightsabre.  
  
(The guards, just shocked and sickened, stop in their tracks, and that's when the screaming commences. JediQB unleases the anger and power of someone who's pissed off, and kills all the guards in one swing.)  
  
Sword: Crap in a hat....  
Wait....LOOK, DEMON DUCK!!  
  
Jedi: Wha?  
  
*THUMP*  
  
(Sword'yiel hits him with a chair, sending him to La La land.)  
  
Sword: Now...where were we?  
  
(Cue pimp music)  
  
Sword: Oh YEA! Daddy's gonna get him some!  
  
Revan: What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Sword: Well, this is my victory battle. So that means you 'n me are gonna do the whoopie!  
  
Revan: You have issues, you know that?  
  
Sword: ISSUES?!  
OH, IT IS SO ON!!  
  
Revan: .......  
Well?  
  
Sword: Ooops, forgot I was supposed to start this shindig...  
Hey baby! What's black and white and red all over? You 'n me on my shag carpet!  
  
(Out comes Revan's huge hammer)  
  
*WHAM!!*  
  
Sword: Ogh....  
Hey, would you look at that. My magical watch says you're not wearing any panties. Whoops, must be an hour fast!  
  
*WHAAAAM!!!!*  
  
Sword: Eeee...  
  
Revan: Done yet?  
  
Sword: Not even close!  
I must be King of the World, 'cause baby, your bow is TITANIC!  
  
*WHAM!!!*  
  
Sword: Ugh...  
Call it a sixth sense, but I hear dead people. And your love life is telling me it could do with a resurrection!  
  
(Golf swing.)  
  
*WHAAAM!!*  
  
Sword: Baby, are you a neurologist? Because, damn, that body of yours is messing with my mind!  
  
(Extendo-glove shoots out of the hammer.)  
  
*WHAAAAAAAM!!!!*  
  
Sword: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sword'yiel wants to do the horizontal boogie with you!  
  
*WHAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!*  
  
(Bowling pin sound, Sword is knocked into tiny little Sword bodies.)  
  
Sword: Mind if I borrow some spell components? I'm all out of sweet lovin', and it looks like you've got plenty to spare!  
  
(Revan pulls out a switch.)  
  
Sword: Oh, that's SOOOO scary!  
  
(Button is pushed, gigantic hammer flattens him.)  
  
*WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!*  
  
(Revan walks away.)  
  
Sword: Why...  
Can't......  
We....  
Just.....  
Get...  
Along....  
INTO MY BED!!  
  
(Hammer comes out of nowhere, sending him down.)  
  
Revan: Curse the Jedi oath.  
Sword'yiel, can you hear me?  
.......  
Oh dear...  
Well, I suppose I oughta cast a Force Heal.  
  
*Poof*  
  
Revan: That's odd, that should've worked.  
..........  
Sword'yiel, are you ok?  
  
(Close of Sword. Suddenly, he cops a feel.)  
  
*GRAB!*  
  
Revan: SONAVA!!!!!!!!  
  
(Cue the song "I get Knocked Down".)  
  
*WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Sword: OH YEA! I GOTS ME SOME!!  
  
(Sword'yiel hits the monitor, cracking it, then slides down it.)  
  
Sword'yiel Wins! Sort of anyways..  
  
(Allronix walks out to Sword'yiel and checks him for a pulse.)  
  
Allro: He's alright, folks!  
  
(She kicks him in the head, walking over to Hamil.)  
  
Mark: Hey Allronix.  
  
Allro: Oh, hello Mark.  
  
Mark: Is he gonna be ok? I haven't been payed yet.  
  
Allro: I hope so. He hasn't payed me for being the medic for the party either.  
  
Mark: A medic? What for?  
  
Allro: Well, for one thing, the Carth fanclub might get a little rowdy, and Carth might get hurt. And god knows no one wants that. Then, there's HK, who's at the grill. God knows how many people are going to get hurt with him using the flamethrower to barbeque food.  
  
Mark: I see. Well, what have you been up to besides that?  
  
Allro: Well, I provided the meat we're going to be eating, as well as providing the backyard.  
  
Mark: This is YOURS?! What're you getting out of it?  
  
Allro: A date with Carth next week.  
  
Mark: I see, well good luck. Later then.  
  
Allro: Bye.  
  
Mark: Hmm, what's that over at the bar? Looks a like a drinking game! Let's take a look, shall we?  
  
(Shoot to Canderous and Zalbaar, along with Steel Weasel and Cityblues. Canderous and Zalbaar are passed out in puddles of drool, with only Steel Weasel and Cityblues in the game.)  
  
Weasel: Peh, lightweights.  
  
Cityblues: What the hell? Do you have a keg for a stomache?  
  
Weasel: Oh? And how about you? You've been drinking for at least as long as I have, if not longer..  
  
Cityblues: Well, a proper lady should always know how to put away a keg or ten.  
  
Weasel: You must have alcohol for blood or something, y'know that?  
  
Mark: .....  
That was quite disturbing. Well anyway, I'm getting hungry, let's go check out what's on the grill.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Shoot to the grill.)  
  
Mark: Well well, looks like the two droids are handling the cooking tonight.  
  
HK: -Affirmative- Tonight we are having Kath hound dogs and Lucas burgers.  
  
Mark: Lucas burgers?  
  
HK: -Affirmative- Suffice to say, that meatbag won't be making any more sequals or prequals after Episode III.  
  
Mark: Er... I'll just have a Kath hound dog then, thanks.  
  
HK: -Affirmative- T3, GET YOUR RUSTY PARTS IN GEAR!  
  
T3: *Beep boop bep boopy boppy boop!*  
  
(Taking the dog then walking away, Mark sees Sword'yiel and Adria having an argument.)  
  
Mark: Hey, what's the problem here?  
  
Adria: THAT'S the problem!  
This idiot got Mission pole dancing.  
  
(She points to Mission, who is for some odd reason, pole dancing.)  
  
Sword: HEY, it wasn't my idea. Hell, I didn't even bring the pole!  
  
Adria: Then where'd it come from?  
  
Sword: .......  
Mission brought it with her.  
  
Adria: .....................  
  
( She just walks away, probably mentaly scarred now. Sitting at a table infront of the pole are Jolee and Juhani. Both of them are throwing credits. )  
  
Jolee: Woohoo! Strip for poppa, baby!  
  
Juhani: ....So.....beautiful...  
  
( On mic. )  
  
Sword: Excuse me everyone, but the Karaoke contest is about to begin. Contestants backstage please.  
  
Mark: Well, looks like the entertainment is about to begin. Better find a seat. Let's watch.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
( On stage. )  
  
Revan: Well, first up, we have Adria with "Eternal Flame", dedicated to Carth.  
  
Adria:  
  
Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming  
  
Is this burning an eternal flame I believe it's meant to be, darling I watch you when you are sleeping, You belong with me Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming Or is this burning an eternal flame Say my name, Sun shines through the rain A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain I don't want to lose this feeling Ooooh-oooh. Say my name, Sun shines through the rain A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain I don't want to lose this feeling Close your eyes, give me your hand Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming Is this burning an eternal flame Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming Is this burning an eternal flame Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming An eternal flame Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming Is this burning an eternal flame  
  
(Crowd cheers and claps loudly as Adria bows and walks off stage.)  
  
Revan: I can see everyone liked that. Well, now we have Cityblues with "Complicated".  
  
Cityblues:  
  
Uh huh, life's like this Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is Cause life's like this Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is  
  
Chill out whatcha yelling' for? Lay back it's all been done before And if you could only let it be you will see I like you the way you are When we're drivin' in your car and you're talking to me one on one but you've become  
  
Somebody else round everyone else You're watching your back like you can't relax You're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me Tell me  
  
Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated Life's like this you And you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it no no no  
  
You come over unannounced dressed up like you're somethin' else where you are and where it's at you see you're making me laugh out when you strike your pose  
  
take off all your preppy clothes you know you're not fooling anyone when you've become  
  
Somebody else round everyone else Watching your back, like you can't relax Trying to be cool you look like a fool to me Tell me  
  
Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated Life's like this you and You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it no no no  
  
Chill out whatcha yelling for? Lay back, it's all been done before And if you could only let it be You will see  
  
Somebody else round everyone else You're watching your back, like you can't relax You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me Tell me  
  
Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated Life's like this you and you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty  
  
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it no no no  
  
Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like your somebody else gets me frustrated Life's like this you You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty promise me I'm never gonna find you fake this no no no.  
  
(More cheering and some whistling as well this time.)  
  
Revan: I see that went over well. Next, we have Steel Weasel with-  
  
Bastila: HOLD IT! The author is just copying and pasting the lyrics into this.  
  
Sword: I am not...  
  
Adria: No, no I think you are. I know personally I'd never sing a song like that.  
  
Cityblues: And I hate Avril Lavigne.  
  
Sword: Fine fine fine... Mark, start the interviews again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Back to Hamil.)  
  
Mark: And we're back! Wasn't that just odd. Well, it's almost midnight. I better get ready for it.  
  
Everyone: 5  
4  
3  
2  
1  
  
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  
  
(Almost everyone is kissing. Nima, Chiara, Adria and Cityblues are all kissing Carth on the head in different spots. Hinehaere is in the corner, sighing sadly. Suddenly, after escaping from the fan girls, Carth walks towards her, grabs her, and kisses her, then bolts out of there like a bat outta Hell. Mark is kissing Revan. Canderous and Zalbaar are kissing each other. A threesome is going on between Jolee, Juhani and Mission. Even Malak and Saul are kissing each other. Nick and Johnny are both kissing Allronix. The only ones who are not kissing are HK, T3, who are freezing extra meat, and Bastila and Sword'yiel, who are sitting at the bar together, drinking, both apparently quite drunk. Allronix comes over, and steals money from Sword'yiels wallet, and sneaks off.)  
  
Mark: Well, that's it for this New Years special. This is Mark Hamil, wishing you a happy New Year.  
  
Revan: Come on, lover, let's go.  
  
Mark: SCORE!  
  
(Off they go, into a tent. Meanwhile, Carth is being dragged into the house by the four women.)  
  
Carth: HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!  
  
Hine: I'm coming, Carth!  
  
(Hinehaere goes in after with lightsabre swinging. A minute later, she comes out, carrying Carth, and running from an angry fan girl mob. Finally, Bastila is lying on Sword'yiel, who're both on a couch in the downstairs of the house.)  
  
Sword: Ha, and I didnt pay anyone of 'em. Suckers...  
  
Jedi: YAAAAAHH!!!  
  
Sword: AHHHHH!!  
  
(And out of nowhere pounces JediQB onto Sword'yiel, they roll around for a while, until Sword'yiel is KO'd, and JediQB walks away with his wallet.)  
  
Johnny: Well, this is Johnny Gomez saying, good fight, good night.  
  
Nick: What fight?  
  
Johnny: Well, I guess what happened between Sword'yiel and Revan was a fight.  
  
Nick: Oh yea...  
  
(Fade to black.)  
  
*Songs, characters, and idea for the fight are all copyright by their respected owners. Now remember, eat it Lucas. You too, Richards. 


End file.
